Though we have a reputation as flagrant plunderers of all the free and expensive tits that come with being a rock star, the truth is that we are all completely faithful to our girlfriends. I can honestly say that I have never cheated on my girlfriend. And that’s because I play by the rules, which are listed below for your use and edification.
- You can squeeze fake tits because they’re not actually real, so you’re not cheating.
- If you don’t remember their name it doesn’t count.
- If you don’t call them afterward it doesn’t count.
- Blow jobs don’t count—they’re like handshakes and autographs.
- If you cuddle, you’re cheating.
- If you are in a time zone that is ahead of the time zone your girlfriend is in, use the following equation to determine whether or not you’ve cheated: Let X be the time difference between the two countries and let Y be the number of hours that have elapsed since you slept with another woman. If you talk to your girlfriend and Y<X, then you haven’t cheated because it hasn’t happened yet. If Y>X, you cheated.
- If you are in Europe, Canada, South America or Japan, your marriage license is not valid. So you can sleep with anyone you want.
- If you fuck someone the night before seeing your girlfriend, it’s okay because it’s just practice to make sure you don’t prematurely ejaculate with your girlfriend.
- If it was part of a public performance, it doesn’t count.
- If you’re doing it to help your career, it doesn’t count. But if she thinks you can help her career, then you’re cheating.
- If you remember the name of a girl that someone else had a one-night stand with, then you cheated because you thought about it more than the person who got laid did. If you don’t have a girlfriend, this just makes you desperate and counts as one cheat against your future girlfriend.
- If it’s someone’s birthday, it doesn’t count (especially if it’s your own).
- If the girl has a tattoo with your name on it, then it’s just common courtesy to have sex with her.
- If you have anal sex with someone else it doesn’t count because it’s not coitus (unless you’re dating Morrissey).
- If she has the same name as your girlfriend, it’s not cheating—or if the first letter of her name is the same. If neither of these apply, spritz her with your girlfriend’s favorite scent before having sex and you’re all right.
- If you tell them you respect them in the morning and mean it, you’re gay.
Rules I’ve broken: None.